Lifestyle Blog: living with fear & anxiety

The real time thoughts of Sabrina

You are worthy — January 18, 2018

You are worthy

In romantic relationships, often times one or both individuals have finally found someone that they care about. Yes, it is a wonderful thing. A person could have gone on a dozen or more dates before finding ‘the one.’ When this person does find someone they ‘click’ with they often think that they want to be exclusive with this person because they are ‘worth it.’ And sometimes they broadcast this message on social media. For example, “I’ve had commitment issues in the past but I finally found someone who was worth it to try.”

This statement I feel is extremely damaging and troubling. A person has found someone worth something to them. This must imply that everyone who came before ‘the one’ was not worth it for you to try. And this is where I find fault in that statement.

Everyone is worthy of love and compassion. And if one person does not find you ‘worth it’ to commit to a relationship, this does not deplete your worthiness as an individual. I think what the person-now-in-relationship meant to say was that they finally found someone that they ‘click’ with and care about on a mutual level. Because one person is not more or less worthy than another.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are not worthy of love. You are enough.

You are unique — January 12, 2018
What does depression mean to you? — January 8, 2018

What does depression mean to you?

Overwhelming student loan debt, inability to find a stable job, living at home with parents, overworked and underpaid, FOMO … What this list represents are some of the struggles that millennials, or those under 36 years of age, struggle with. Social media shows us sunsets, rainbows, fancy dinners, glamorous vacations, fun nights out with beautiful people, and everything that you are missing out on because you’re home on an endless scroll of Facebook and IG and not having fun times throwing around wads of cash. Our generation has the highest levels of anxiety and depression among all other age groups. Is it really any surprise why? And maybe the solution is to fix the root of our problems rather than treating the symptoms. I am pro anti-depressants for those with biological imbalances within the chemicals in their brain. However, I am anti anti-depressants for those whose problems can be solved by finding the root of the depression and anxiety and solving the problem. For some of us, anti-depressants are prescriptive measures to suppress our symptomatic depression and anxiety. My family is predisposed for depression and anxiety, however, I also recognize that I have issues contributing to my diagnosis.

Let’s start at the beginning. School has positioned us to be obedient rule followers, diligent worker bees, and complacent non-risk takers. Our grades are as superficial as our social media posts. Our life has become a series of snapshots and moments instead of a continuous journey of discovery. We are broken up into fragments, both literally and figuratively. We fragment our attention, giving only seconds on each post we scroll past. We have compartmentalized our mind into turning on full speed “work work work” mode and then completely shutting down to Netflix and bed mode. There is no in between. Just as the middle class is shrinking, so are our opportunities, attention span, our priorities, our emotional connections, and our hope. I can’t help but think that something is wrong with the way we float about bouncing along this world. We are casually yet rapidly headed towards a Black Mirror reality, so much so that with the next blink of an eye and a scroll of the thumb, we can be full on living zombies. The destruction of society, privacy, and our confidence coincidentally pair with the rise of social media and of depression and anxiety among youth. Why do I know more about what is going on with strangers I spoke to once in high school than what my friend sitting across the room from me is thinking about. We are priming ourselves for a dismal future where ads are vying for our attention so we can purchase things we don’t need with money we don’t have.

I pose this question, after reading the amazing article linked below, are antidepressants the answer to our depression problem? Or can the answer be fulfilling our unmet psychological needs? Is it a mixture of both?

AI will be good for something, and that something is getting rid of the rote jobs. People are naturally creative. Even if you feel you lack the creativity gene, trust me, we all have it. Don’t you remember as a kid, you entertained yourself. Free of worry, free of outside influence, just pure uninhibited imagination. It is only when we reached that certain point where we realize other people have opinions of us and sometimes they aren’t nice ones, then we started altering the way we presented ourselves in public. I know I was my happiest with a messy bowl haircut, cowgirl boots, red shorts, and a soccer jersey. I ran around, was active, played sports, was creative and artistic. Somewhere along the line I realized in order to be an adult and get a good job, I needed to take life and myself seriously. I pushed aside my interests and swapped it for hard boring work. One of my biggest regrets in life is losing my sense of joy in exchange for good grades and an impressive resume. Now, not everyone takes this exact trajectory, but it is my truth.

Your paid-working life takes up a little more than a third of your waking hours during the week (based on a 40-hour work week). Having a sense of purpose, meaning, and control over our days are some of the biggest factors determining happiness. Read this article below to learn more about this topic and about my inspiration for this post. My next journey will be looking deep into what is lacking in my own self. Unexpectedly unemployed, I find myself thinking, what will it take to make myself happy. Is it a change of mindset? Change of attitude? A daily gratitude practice? A mixture of everything?

Click here to read the great article.

Finding happiness within — August 4, 2017

Finding happiness within

I have just accomplished something I’ve been working 3 years towards. I finally presented my thesis and it was accepted. Why did I not feel any elation when this happened? I seemed to care about completing this task. But after completion, it was not satisfying. I know life is not about feeling a constant stream of elation, but with certain victories you expect that feeling of “Yes, I’ve finally done it!” Is it because I don’t think I did a good job at it. Is it because deep down I really don’t care about it. This feeling has happened once before. After getting the biggest commission check of my life I laid back in my hotel room and wept. Is it because deep down I am not happy with myself, who I am, and who I’ve become? Perhaps it is all of these reasons. Perhaps I am realizing that external factors and accomplishments are meaningless unless I am happy with myself first. Or maybe I just think too much…

In the past, any accomplishment came with that jolt of happiness. Even for a brief fleeting moment. Nowadays I don’t seem to experience this. I experience excitement and nervousness, but not that short burst of happy.

But, there is nothing wrong with me. Accomplishing more things won’t make me happier. Being happy is a state of being. Not constantly smiling at every second of every day, because simply I find that odd and unnatural. Accomplishing more things & accumulating more things won’t make me happy. But being content with myself and who I am and where I am is key.

The 11th Hour — May 3, 2017

The 11th Hour

gorilla hands

The 11th hour has come upon me..the last moment where change can happen..the last moment where effort can make a difference. In other words it is now or never.

As daunting and scary as this sounds…it is.

In a last attempt, a last ditch effort to finish on time, this is when I begin. Just about any other time to begin would have been better than this time now. But now is all I have. So this is where I am – this is where I stand – and this is where I start to try to change things around. After mulling it over and over and over in my head I finally gave into it to do the thing that has been pounding me at the back of my skull every time I have a good time, every laughter, every joyful whim that receives answering, every single damn time I am happy I am suddenly not. For I have not yet done the thing which I should have done. There’s that damned word again. SHOULD. But yes I should have done this sooner. No looking back now though, that won’t do us any good.

All I have is now. And I’m gonna make it fucking count. When it needs to count…it needs to count…it needs to matter. My efforts need to make a difference.

It is now or never. Any point up until now the options were as follows: now, never, later. Now there is no “later” there is only now or never and I can’t afford to do the latter

For the latter would leave me utterly stuck in time. My mind would be trapped in regret of 3 years gone by. 3 years of lost moments of me lost in the moment only to be grounded by reality. Procrastination was always the name of my game and the nature of my wins. I’ve created some pretty neat things on the twilight of procrastination. I’ve simply astounded myself. And I intend to do the same.

One day to the next… — January 25, 2017

One day to the next…

One day I’m completely fine, just busily working away and shooing away any negative or sad thoughts. Other days it is all I can think about. I’m consumed with sadness, randomly cry throughout the day, and can’t stand this life I have in front of me. With so much to be grateful for, what gives?? Life doesn’t seem tough from the outside. From the inside I know what the problem is. I didn’t have the guts to quit when I had the chance.

My hypothesis is that I would be 10x happier if I had quit my graduate program after that first year. Now I am going on 3 years of torture. Hair loss, acne, never-ending stress…this has been my life for 3 years. I should have been done with my thesis a year ago. I keep telling myself, I’ll give it one more shot. But I’m just completely lost. No clue what I’m doing…both with my thesis and school. I felt pressured to stay and I had no job prospects after the first year of school. I should have just not gone back. I’d have a little more sanity and a lot more freedom. I haven’t been doing nonstop work, like I should have, but the looming work over my head made every event and activity I did leave me full of these harsh emotions. I felt guilty for having fun and not doing work, so I mostly didn’t have fun. Any time I let loose I always had work on my mind. Just the general thought of “I should be working” even if I had no idea what I should be working on.

I asked countless people for advice – both family and strangers. And I always got the rational stuff, stay in school, you’re almost done anyway, right? Technically, I suppose, but mentally I’m so far removed from it. I am at this crossroads where I have also taken on another project. It sounded cool at first and I thought $$ and I didn’t want to let my professor down, but for my sanity it was the complete wrong choice. I regret this decision too.

So, I don’t want this life, what am I to do?


Why is it so difficult — December 12, 2016

Why is it so difficult

Why is it so difficult to do the things I have to do?
To pick up the pen when I’d rather start anew.
Certain things I’d rather leave behind.
Certain things I’ve already set aside.
When one thing comes to an end, another may begin.
But if what begins, began, where does that leave the former?

They say you can never have too much education. I’d like to meet “they” and tell “them” that you can in fact have too much education. Knowledge is not power when the holder sits idle.

How to get yourself out of a funk (a work in progress) — October 11, 2016

How to get yourself out of a funk (a work in progress)

I have evaluated myself and how I spend my time. I often find myself in a state of inaction and looking back to times where I seemed to “have it all.” I worked out, I studied hard and always got good grades, and I just worked hard in general. At everything I did I strived to be the best version of myself. I had standards. I had goals. I knew who I was and didn’t accept anything less for myself.

I feel the past two years I have lost myself, my worth, and my work ethic. I have withered to this lazy being who exists to exist. I have all these aspirations and no drive. I’ve had bouts of depression before but in that time I inundated myself in my work. Now I’m battling my underlying anxiety which has fueled my mental illnesses, unbeknownst to me. I’m anxious for the future, not knowing where I will go or what I will do or what I will be. The “be” part is what plagues my quiet mind. I find myself lost in thought throughout my days and have cast off all responsibility. After continuously pushing things off, my procrastination has become a habit and I let my standards for my work ethic fall to a level I did not know was possible. I sometimes feel as though I am living in a continual summer vacation.


I wait every morning for myself to be fully engaged in my work again. I feel with each passing day I slip further and further from my old self. My old self was extremely productive and extremely proud of her work. Now I could not seem to care less. I think, “if only I had a passion to work at, it’s the lack of passion for my job that I have to fix.” But no…it is not the lack of passion for my job(s). That’s not the problem, because in the past I did work I really really did not want to do but compelled to do it, and give it my all, because of those standards and goals. The problem is not in the lack of passion for my job(s), but the lack of passion for life itself. My problem is my mindset. My problem is that I have given up. My problem is that I lost the love I had for myself. Life is in the journey, after all. At a ripe young age of almost 25, I have already had my fair share of the infamous “quarter-life crisis.” I think if I could only figure out what I am passionate about and then pursue that career, then I will get back my spunk and get rid of this funk! But no, what needs to happen first is inside of me. A fundamental change has occurred and my lazy days have become a habitual norm. My mind is trapped on a tropical island on vacation without the good sentiments, warm air, shading palm tree, and pina colada. Perhaps I lost it long ago in my quest to be the best. But I pushed that mind aside because it aided me none.

I feel lost and do nothing to better my situation, then I beat myself up and yell at myself to stop being so damn lazy. I don’t know what I really want to do for a career, all I know is I don’t like the things I am currently doing. I am extremely indecisive which probably stems from my fear of making the wrong choices for my life.

But I need to remind myself that what we regret most is in the “not doing.” So it doesn’t matter much what I do, as long as I do something. I shan’t look back at the past, for I cannot change it. I can only change my story going forward.

Be heard — October 6, 2016

Be heard

 “The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.”
Yeats, The Second Coming

Use your voice to be heard. Use your actions to be seen. Use your strength to keep going in the midst of adversity. Combine the intensity of your voice and the strength of your actions and there is no way you can be ignored.

We are told to stand up for what we believe in… as long as it coincides with societal standards and ideals. I call for you to have the conviction and stick-to-it-ness to evaluate your own life, your own actions, and the problems you want to fix in this world. If we don’t stand up for truth and justice, the ignorant will take over the world. The incompetent rise through the ranks while the talented slumber.