As we get older, hopefully we are growing wiser. As I have gotten wiser, I seem to have become more pessimistic and depressed. Maybe I’m more realistic? Regardless, sh*t happens. Life gets complicated. *Aaaand cue that Avril Lavigne song..* But, seriously, can you remember a time when things were not complicated? I can. Things were simple when I was younger. I didn’t mindfuck everything, I just did what I wanted when I wanted. I played sports growing up and when they weren’t fun to me anymore, I stopped doing them. I used to play certain video games, had certain friends, and if something no longer made me happy or excited then I would move on. Now I see I have lost this quality. I don’t like a majority of the things I have to do on a daily basis, but I still do them. Why? I am not limited to this city, this state; I can go anywhere, live anywhere I want. That is true in theory. But in reality I have bills to pay, a lease to decide to renew, and an obligation to…. who do I have an obligation to? I actually can’t answer that question because I don’t know. I suppose I have an obligation to make myself happy but I have put that on the backburner in order to do things I feel that I have to in order to succeed. I thought being the best in school and graduating with the highest GPA in my major’s graduating class would make me happy, but it didn’t. Things seem to be just happening to me, I’m on this plane (not airplane) where everything is just in motion and I’m just along for the ride. I’m a vessel, I’m here in body but my mind is floating somewhere else. Things are complicated in my head. Deciding where I want to go, who I want to be, instead of just listening to who I already am. I’m not enough for myself. But what more could I possibly squeeze out of me? I have lost all connection to my passions and interests. I am currently forcing myself to have hobbies, and I am starting over as a beginner in everything. Things I once loved I no longer care for. I lost myself in trying to create someone new– a new miserable me. Looking back at that carefree kid who ran around and got dirty I wouldn’t picture that I would become this empty person. I am on the road to re-discover myself. I am forcing myself to figure out all these complicated adult things.
I remember when it all changed, when things got really complicated. Once I entered my private high school, I felt that everyone around me was smarter, better, and faster than I was. So, I focused on school and dropped everything that I once loved doing like drawing, playing sports, and playing video games (I wanted to be a graphic designer at one point). Then I went on and I graduated college with a 3.916 GPA. I’m working towards a Master’s degree and still obsessed with getting A’s. Yet another outside thing that brings me validation. (I haven’t gotten less than an A since freshman year of college) and I have no clue what my passions or interests are. I feel I have little to no talent because I’ve only been focusing on academics for the past…9 years!! And despite studying so hard for so many years I feel I know nothing. (ALTHOUGH, I absolutely LOVE being a Teaching Assistant. It’s something I truly enjoy and hope to be able to continue teaching at the college level throughout my life).
But, I feel myself becoming more myself every day, with every step I take. I am at a point where I am “out” to everyone. Yes, I’m a lesbian!! I’m proud and I’ll shout it. (I’ll talk about this and my coming out story in another post.)
I feel once I figure myself out then I will just be naturally happier. Until then, I am self-discovering instead of self-sabotaging.
Be at peace, not in pieces.