As I sit on this Sunday night, anxiety ridden from all that is looming over me, I think about how busy I am going to be this week. I wanted to get ahead today, but things did not go as planned. I am restless and unable to focus. After my extreme productivity last week, I was left unmotivated this weekend. The hours passed as I sat, not much but worry going through my mind. Worry for the future, worry if I will complete my work on time–worry. I feel as though I should always be doing homework and being productive and when I am not then I feel extreme guilt and anxiety. There’s the keyword, should. This word awakens a feeling inside of me, a feeling that something else takes precedence over my attention more than anything else does. That working is most important and any time spent not working is unproductive and therefore is a waste of time. But am I wasting my time lounging, relaxing, and unwinding? These things are necessary! I can’t be a robot (although I often feel this way sometimes). I know this, yet I am still left stewing in my own thoughts, making my insides twist because I am not doing what I should be doing. Truth is there will always be work to do, but balancing my time between work and play is the key thing here. This illusive concept has been around for decades, so I surely won’t be the one to crack the code. It may be a mindset that I have yet to develop. Maybe I need to plan every detail of my day to allot for work time and relaxation time. But I can’t always stick to such rigidity (plus that seems boring). At one time I used to have a rule for myself that I wouldn’t do any work past a certain time at night, but nowadays I often do my best work in the late hours of the night, so there goes that rule! Hopefully one day I will get to a point where my work is not all-consuming, but this notion may not be so promising especially in our current society where we are expected to be available 24/7 because technology says so. In the meantime, I will try not to be too hard on myself.
Be at peace, not in pieces.