Everything that I have received in my life was because I worked for it. Sometimes I had to miss the small stuff – events, outings, parties.. I did what I had to in order to get the best outcome on whatever I was working on. I wanted to be the best I could be and work as hard as I needed to in order to make that happen. I had so much drive and yet I didn’t like the work I was doing. Looking back I wonder how I could have so much drive and motivation to get tasks accomplished, to study long hours, to work and teach myself skills to be a better employee. Back then I stood for something – morals, hard work, being sober, being punctual.

I look back at this foreign human. Somewhere along the line I changed. I wonder how the old me did what she did for so long. Still unhappy and only passionate about not failing or doing poorly or being seen as incompetent. Now I don’t have those fears. Why?

I have lowered my standards for myself. Ever since my big bout of depression and slew of anxiety attacks I have allowed myself to let myself become a victim of the world. Things didn’t work out for me and it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t responsible for my own destiny and my own outcomes. I was a believer that I could learn anything I put my mind to. And I am still right – I can be that high achiever again. I can get my work ethic back to the forefront of my mind. Now is the time I need to grind and do work!! I need to fight my depression and anxiety…but most of all, I need to RAISE MY STANDARDS. I will no longer allow myself to be a half-assed human. I will not live with small intensity. I will put myself out there and be responsible for my own outcomes. I will direct my destiny.

Now which way will I go? What road shall I choose? If all the world is full of opportunity, where do I want to direct my energy?

I will begin…

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