One day I’m completely fine, just busily working away and shooing away any negative or sad thoughts. Other days it is all I can think about. I’m consumed with sadness, randomly cry throughout the day, and can’t stand this life I have in front of me. With so much to be grateful for, what gives?? Life doesn’t seem tough from the outside. From the inside I know what the problem is. I didn’t have the guts to quit when I had the chance.
My hypothesis is that I would be 10x happier if I had quit my graduate program after that first year. Now I am going on 3 years of torture. Hair loss, acne, never-ending stress…this has been my life for 3 years. I should have been done with my thesis a year ago. I keep telling myself, I’ll give it one more shot. But I’m just completely lost. No clue what I’m doing…both with my thesis and school. I felt pressured to stay and I had no job prospects after the first year of school. I should have just not gone back. I’d have a little more sanity and a lot more freedom. I haven’t been doing nonstop work, like I should have, but the looming work over my head made every event and activity I did leave me full of these harsh emotions. I felt guilty for having fun and not doing work, so I mostly didn’t have fun. Any time I let loose I always had work on my mind. Just the general thought of “I should be working” even if I had no idea what I should be working on.
I asked countless people for advice – both family and strangers. And I always got the rational stuff, stay in school, you’re almost done anyway, right? Technically, I suppose, but mentally I’m so far removed from it. I am at this crossroads where I have also taken on another project. It sounded cool at first and I thought $$ and I didn’t want to let my professor down, but for my sanity it was the complete wrong choice. I regret this decision too.
So, I don’t want this life, what am I to do?