I have just accomplished something I’ve been working 3 years towards. I finally presented my thesis and it was accepted. Why did I not feel any elation when this happened? I seemed to care about completing this task. But after completion, it was not satisfying. I know life is not about feeling a constant stream of elation, but with certain victories you expect that feeling of “Yes, I’ve finally done it!” Is it because I don’t think I did a good job at it. Is it because deep down I really don’t care about it. This feeling has happened once before. After getting the biggest commission check of my life I laid back in my hotel room and wept. Is it because deep down I am not happy with myself, who I am, and who I’ve become? Perhaps it is all of these reasons. Perhaps I am realizing that external factors and accomplishments are meaningless unless I am happy with myself first. Or maybe I just think too much…

In the past, any accomplishment came with that jolt of happiness. Even for a brief fleeting moment. Nowadays I don’t seem to experience this. I experience excitement and nervousness, but not that short burst of happy.

But, there is nothing wrong with me. Accomplishing more things won’t make me happier. Being happy is a state of being. Not constantly smiling at every second of every day, because simply I find that odd and unnatural. Accomplishing more things & accumulating more things won’t make me happy. But being content with myself and who I am and where I am is key.

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