My attention seeking ways have pushed people out of my life. My need for acceptance and approval have left a negative impact on my life. With the prevalence of social media, seeing everyone’s accomplishments from the mundanity of “I start every day by making my bed!” to the grandiosity of “I got a promotion to VP and run my own multi-million dollar division!” I can’t help but feel I don’t measure up to other people’s success. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but it is seriously hard not to!
To quench my thirst of my own share of the attention and fame, I try to be the funniest person in the group. I use jokes to connect to people almost because I feel I am boring otherwise. I sometimes talk over people in an attempt to have my words heard while I still have everyone’s ears open. This is a horrible reality to live in, and I realize what I do so it should be easy stopping this madness, right?
It’s not easy. I consciously try to wait for other person to stop talking but the whole time I’m planning my great witty comment. I plan to “wow” others with my hilarity, only to have it backfire on me every time.
My humor in almost every social situation never accomplishes what I wanted it to, but I still keep trudging along. I take my comedy act from person to person, clinging onto the next laugh or chuckle. I like pointing out the insanity in our everyday lives. I like poking fun at my audience, which sometimes gets an adverse reaction. Sometimes I accidentally insult them. And then I regret going too far. Or maybe I say something that is off-putting. I like feeling witty and smart. I’m addicted to the rush and pressure to find the perfect blend of words that are both relevant to the the conversation and relate to a grander theme.
I can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting different results – logically I know this. But deep down I’m thinking, maybe this time will be different! Same audience, new material, same outcome. My friends are my friends by proxy. So they mostly tolerate me. I try to impress them, but mostly I push them away. I say ridiculous things to get a reaction. Sometimes I do get a reaction but then they think I’m this eccentric pessimistic individual that is just a walking joke. If I’m not joking I’m just silently listening and wishing I could participate in the conversation as a normal human – maybe ever a true friend who cares. I do care. And I do want real friends and deep relationships. But I know my comedic, over-the-top nature holds me back from this.
My goal for my holiday interactions is to be caring, interested, and attentive to others. I will report back my findings in this self-regulated social experiment.