I get bored very quickly and easily. I get bored when I become complacent and when something is difficult to grasp. Do I use my boredom as a defense mechanism to tell myself I do not want to master something because I am simply bored of it? Does this boredom factor become a barrier between mastery and hard work? Perhaps. But on the flip side, once I do master something I become bored of it too. It becomes lack luster, I have beat it, I have reached the pinnacle and to continue on is mundane, so my boredom shifts my attention elsewhere.

I do this dance and I can’t seem to figure out the root cause. My indifference is overpowering. My depression masks everything as a chore. The only freedom is with novelty. Oh how I love novelty. When something is new it sparks something in me. I am excited for a short while then I revert back to my indifferent state. I glorify the thing. I am energized by the newness. The unknown aspect of the newness makes me uneasy but eager to find out more.

Then I take a turn. And I’ve been reaching that inflection point quicker than usual. With almost every aspect of my life, I flip like a switch. I somehow become so bored and indifferent it leaves me wondering why I was so excited in the first place. I care less about consequences. I almost welcome confrontation. I go from caring so much about being the best outward projection to myself to being an apathetic rule breaker. I push as far as I think I can go without rippling the current.

Is novelty my drug? I get a quick fix then I need another hit to keep the high going. Why can’t I maintain just a steady feeling of neutrality instead of being up in this high and then down in the negatives? The negatives get to me. My negative self is a reckless fool who drudges up the slightest thing and makes it into a giant issue. The negative me seduces the darkness. Negative me dances on the edge of insanity. My mind drives me into the depths of the worst thoughts possible. The only relief is the elation that comes along with novelty. The thrill of novelty fuels my soul. When will my next hit be?