At a certain point we need to take responsibility for our actions, as well as for our inactions. We need to recognize that hindsight is 20/20. If we had perfect information, we still would make mistakes. Knowing the right thing to do can be hard, especially because there is no “right” path to take. We can follow out passions, but if we don’t have any then what do we do?
I went right into graduate school after college, not because I wanted to, nor was it even required for the job market, but because I thought I couldn’t pass up the opportunity of a free education. I got a full ride and was able to teach a college class and get paid to do it. But, I still consider myself in massive debt from my education. My debt has nothing to do with money. I indebted myself with my time.
I don’t regret taking that opportunity to attend graduate school, but after that first year I knew it wasn’t what I wanted at all. I planned on getting out but “only had one more year.” That one more year turned into a 2-year long thesis revision-headache-mental breakdown- extravaganza. I knew when I should have exited, after that first year when I knew it wasn’t right for me. But I kept going. After that, I was plunged into despair and depression and anxiety and bad habits. I blamed the world for my choices. My choices led to my problems. My problems led me spiraling. I felt like I wasn’t in control when the only thing I had was control.
I cannot get those 3 torturous years back. I received my Master’s degree and did a completely obscure thesis because I had to make a choice, if I didn’t I’d be delayed even further. My degree has not helped me in the least. It is not the typical engineering, accounting, computer science, etc, so no one knows what I am qualified to do. Neither do I. Yet again, I opted for degrees instead of experience. I have no real relate-able work experience in anything. I have no skills except curiosity and laziness. This is still my own fault.
It’s about time I take responsibility for it all. At this point I am just scared of making decisions. Ironically, my only way to happiness is to make the difficult ones.