When you have a breakdown and realize all of your problems today are due to deep rooted abandonment issues stemming from childhood, it can cause pandemonium inside your head as well as relief. Realizing that your father leaving at such a young age caused so much damage so late in life can seem pretty bizarre. But it happened to me.
My father left when I was a baby and I probably saw him once or twice a year until I was 12 when those visits stopped and he remarried. I have a half brother I met once. I sometimes wonder if he knows he has a half sister or if I am a part of the past that is a dark cast away shadow in the back of my father and his wife’s mind. How can you ignore a person? A whole being who lives within thirty minutes from you. Bizarre. But I have come to terms that none of that was my fault – him not seeing me after that. It is all his. After all, I was just a kid.
I didn’t realize how much this abandonment impacted me until later in life when I started dating. I didn’t start dating seriously until I was about 20 years old because it took me a little bit to come to terms with my sexuality. After I did begin dating, that is when these issues dug up from the graveyard in my mind. I became very possessive and jealous if my partner spoke to another person. I became hypersensitive to rejection. I craved unconditional love from my partner. It comes out when I’m in relationships because I fear I’ll lose the other person and have nothing. I thought in some weird part of my head that I only had room for either some close friendships or a partner – but this wasn’t true in reality. So because of this belief I naturally threw my friendships to the wayside and focused solely on my partners – which led to me putting everything on my partner. They would become my best friend, girlfriend, and everything. I put too much on these partners because I had no one else to bounce off of. This broke my relationships and broke me.
I told my mom these things and she agreed with me. She reassured me my father didn’t leave me, he left her and I was a byproduct of that hurt. She told me he could have apologized after all these years but he couldn’t. Him and my mom were young when they got married and had me and then divorced soon after. She blames his immaturity. She says I was mostly better off with the distant relationship I did have with him and I agree because my lifestyle is not something this conservative man could have handled. He would most likely have disowned me at some point and I presume later in life would have been worse, once I was a formed human being. Then rejection would have really stung. Maybe I wouldn’t have ever come out. I never thought I would in the first place anyway. So to be where I am is a miracle in and of itself. I am able to live my authentic life. I doubt he realizes the long-lasting effects of his actions, because I didn’t even realize until recently.
Today my OCD has increased to levels of extreme annoyance for myself and people around me. My anxiety is sometimes crippling. And my depression is an omnipresence. All these things are the symptom to my deep rooted abandonment issues. Learning to trust is a big challenge. How can I put my trust in anyone when I have been hurt so many times before.
Only recently I have realized I need to be my own person, make my own friends, try to heal myself, make myself know I’m worthy of love and not be so self conscious. So I’m going to try to work on these things to make myself whole because I am very broken. But at least I realize how broken I am. Now I just need to patch up a few wounds.