Lifestyle Blog: living with fear & anxiety

A Lifestyle Blog and Podcast on Mental Health

Take back control — March 19, 2019

Take back control

Life is full of ups and downs. Lots of things that happen to us are out of our control. This lack of control can feel very scary, especially to a Type A personality. We want to feel that our efforts will be rewarded. We want to believe that if we try hard enough we will succeed. We want to believe that hard works leads to success and happiness. But there are no guarantees. Life owes us nothing. No matter how good of a person we are, we might finish last. We might be left out by the ones we love. We might be let down by the one we love.

Life’s unpredictable circumstances can harden us and close us off from experiencing other life events. Some folks may become reclusive and cautious in order to guard their hearts. They may feel that since they have no control over where they are going, they won’t try to do anything. Others may feel the complete opposite and live life recklessly. They will take risks that appear dangerous or scary. They will put themselves out there without caring about how they will “look” to others.


Morning Routine — March 12, 2019

Morning Routine

I want to share with you all my new morning routine:

I am doing a quick workout, meditating for 5 minutes, and then telling myself 3 things I like about myself, 2 things that I am grateful for, and 1 thing that made me happy the day before.

Today was my first day of trying out this new routine. I have also made a mantra for myself, “I AM STRONGER” and I shout this in my head when I am starting to feel weakened by anxiety.

What do you do for self care?

Love yourself first — March 7, 2019

Love yourself first

Loving yourself means not being afraid to ask for what you need. Loving yourself means putting your mental health above all else. Loving yourself is finding a way to be okay with the choices you make. Loving yourself allows you to then love others. Remember to put your life vest on before helping your neighbor. Only by loving yourself and taking care of your needs can you take care of others. Don’t burn the candle at both ends, take some time to rest and relax. Love yourself.

Combat your boredom — March 5, 2019

Combat your boredom

Boredom is my nemesis. It’s an automatic response. It is a constant state of mind because it is how I frame my mind. In order to overcome boredom, I know what I have to do – something, anything! But I sometimes choose not to. Is it out of laziness? Have I accepted this permanent state of mind?

All I know is that when I don’t like something or if I find myself stagnant I say “I’m bored” and it has become my automatic response. Over time I have trained my brain to always feel bored, even if I am just resting. So when I am resting and trying to relax I am “bored” but this resting time is necessary for my well-being. I need to stop saying “I’m bored” when I am not and truly recognize when I am, in fact, bored.

This frame of mind that I believe I am always bored when not stimulated has got to go. It is damaging my internal mental health.

Working through Abandonment Issues — February 28, 2019

Working through Abandonment Issues

When you have a breakdown and realize all of your problems today are due to deep rooted abandonment issues stemming from childhood, it can cause pandemonium inside your head as well as relief. Realizing that your father leaving at such a young age caused so much damage so late in life can seem pretty bizarre. But it happened to me.

My father left when I was a baby and I probably saw him once or twice a year until I was 12 when those visits stopped and he remarried. I have a half brother I met once. I sometimes wonder if he knows he has a half sister or if I am a part of the past that is a dark cast away shadow in the back of my father and his wife’s mind. How can you ignore a person? A whole being who lives within thirty minutes from you. Bizarre. But I have come to terms that none of that was my fault – him not seeing me after that. It is all his. After all, I was just a kid.

I didn’t realize how much this abandonment impacted me until later in life when I started dating. I didn’t start dating seriously until I was about 20 years old because it took me a little bit to come to terms with my sexuality. After I did begin dating, that is when these issues dug up from the graveyard in my mind. I became very possessive and jealous if my partner spoke to another person. I became hypersensitive to rejection. I craved unconditional love from my partner. It comes out when I’m in relationships because I fear I’ll lose the other person and have nothing. I thought in some weird part of my head that I only had room for either some close friendships or a partner – but this wasn’t true in reality. So because of this belief I naturally threw my friendships to the wayside and focused solely on my partners – which led to me putting everything on my partner. They would become my best friend, girlfriend, and everything. I put too much on these partners because I had no one else to bounce off of. This broke my relationships and broke me.

I told my mom these things and she agreed with me. She reassured me my father didn’t leave me, he left her and I was a byproduct of that hurt. She told me he could have apologized after all these years but he couldn’t. Him and my mom were young when they got married and had me and then divorced soon after. She blames his immaturity. She says I was mostly better off with the distant relationship I did have with him and I agree because my lifestyle is not something this conservative man could have handled. He would most likely have disowned me at some point and I presume later in life would have been worse, once I was a formed human being. Then rejection would have really stung. Maybe I wouldn’t have ever come out. I never thought I would in the first place anyway. So to be where I am is a miracle in and of itself. I am able to live my authentic life. I doubt he realizes the long-lasting effects of his actions, because I didn’t even realize until recently.

Today my OCD has increased to levels of extreme annoyance for myself and people around me. My anxiety is sometimes crippling. And my depression is an omnipresence. All these things are the symptom to my deep rooted abandonment issues. Learning to trust is a big challenge. How can I put my trust in anyone when I have been hurt so many times before.

Only recently I have realized I need to be my own person, make my own friends, try to heal myself, make myself know I’m worthy of love and not be so self conscious. So I’m going to try to work on these things to make myself whole because I am very broken. But at least I realize how broken I am. Now I just need to patch up a few wounds.
Be you, no matter who is watching — February 26, 2019

Be you, no matter who is watching

We all go through uncomfortable periods in our life where we feel we can’t be ourselves for whatever reason. Maybe you are going on a first date, maybe you are going for a job interview, the possibilities for being an inauthentic version of ourselves is infinite. The best way to gain confidence is to go out into the world being you. Walk proud. Stand tall. And don’t sink into the insecurities that weigh you down. Being you means standing up for what you believe in. Being you means living life on your terms. Being you means not having to hide or pretend you are OK with something when you are not. Just be you, boldly in the world, and see what happens. Never be ashamed to be you – because that is such a heavy burden to carry for the rest of your life.

Using someone as a crutch — February 21, 2019

Using someone as a crutch

What it means to use someone as a crutch is that maybe you rely on them too heavily in certain aspects of your life. Of course there are times where we are vulnerable, weak, and need support from a family member, friend, or significant other. And vice versa, sometimes you may be the crutch. But when does being/using a crutch become dependency?

If you find yourself unable to live or make decisions without your crutch, you might be too dependent on them. Although it is great that you have a supportive person in your life that you can count on, does this dependency ever become burdensome?

It can, and it may develop into a toxic relationship. Be careful not to use people as a crutch because it may make the person feel trapped. Being needy is normal sometimes, but try to build your own crutch.

Hope is what fuels us — February 19, 2019

Hope is what fuels us

The days fly by but the hours seem to drag on. Time pulses through the air in patches of thick and thin. Some moments seem to last forever but some can’t last long enough. What can you do when the weight of the world feels so heavy and time seems to stand still? I feel like we swat away the pain in hopes of a better tomorrow. Without this hope, what do we have left to hold onto?

This hope is necessary. It allows us to persevere amidst setbacks and disappointments. This hope helps keep out spirits alive and our body going. Keep working towards your goals and have hope that your effort will pay off. Because persistence is key.

Reminiscing past love on Valentine’s Day — February 14, 2019

Reminiscing past love on Valentine’s Day

Past love come and gone. I used to think I couldn’t survive without you but I have. And I will. I rarely think of you except when a random passing of your name crosses my dimly lit screen. You did me a favor all those years ago. Releasing me from your grip. When I lost hold of who I was I regained it when you vacated my existence. Without you I knew how to survive on my own and be happy on my own. You were not the end all be all and you never were. True happiness entered my life once you exited, as abruptly as you did. I saw a glimpse of your new life and feel nothing like I thought I would. I feared this moment but realize I feel nothing at all. You’re just another faceless, feckless human. You mean nothing to me and evoke no feelings from me anymore. Your grip lost its tension. And I’m superbly grateful for it.

Inside my own head a lot goes on but not one passing thought of you ever can penetrate this fortress like it once did. Goodbye past. Goodbye long lost love. Thank you for leaving when you did.

Depression comes in waves — February 12, 2019

Depression comes in waves

Some days are better than others. Other days my emotions seep through my pores. Depression takes hold of me and doesn’t let go. Some days I am more anxious than others. Other days I feel ontop of the world. The highs are high but the lows are equally as powerful.

Sometimes it cannot be mitigated, let alone controlled. Sometimes I just have to let the depression take me. Sweeping me away like a love poem in the sands wiped away by the current. Some days my depression wins. I feel I can’t push the brick off my chest. But that doesn’t mean I don’t try.